The PFI Tripe Awards: Volume 1
LIVE, FROM THE GREEN PASTURES OF 28 DAYS LATER, THE PFI TRIPE AWARDS!!!!
Ladies and gents, the Paul Film Institute has made a TRIUMPHANT return, to give out awards to NOT SO TRIUMPHANT movies.
We have many special guest presenters lined up for this historic event. Tripe will be served plentifully. Pastures will be mowed, chickens will talk, seals will be clubbed, and the dead will rise!
Disclaimer: THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THESE AWARDS ARE SOLELY THOSE OF THE PFI, ANY COMPLAINTS MAY BE DIRECTED TO THAT CHICKEN IN 28 DAYS LATER. MOVIES ARE MADE TO BE ENJOYED, BUT SOMETIMES THEY ARE SO RIDICULOUS, WIPING YOUR ASS WITH SANDPAPER IS MORE ENJOYABLE. THEREFORE, IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE GLORIOUS OPINIONS OF THE PFI- ::hands you sandpaper::
Tonight’s award is to be presented by someone many people, including myself, paid $7 to see, but never showed up. Well my friends, you get her here for free!!!!!!
HERE TO PRESENT THE “WASTE MANAGEMENT AWARD”, THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE BLAIR WITCH!!!!
Thank you, thank you. The first recipient of the Waste Management awards, (appropriately named for movies that were wasted opportunities to be something great), goes to a movie that had everything going for it. Great cast, decent director, and it was based one of the most historically significant events in the 20th century. However, the movie was anything but significant. The first winner of the Waste Management award goes to….”
Paul: As a kid, one of my favorite movies was Tora, Tora, Tora, a strategic and tactical look at the attack on Pearl Harbor. Since the movie was made in 1970, the special effects can’t compare to those we have today. So naturally when I heard about a new Pearl Harbor movie, I pissed myself. When I saw the movie however, I wanted to piss on the screen. Coming off the success of Titanic (though NOT the best movie of all time, it’s still good, so if you think I’m putting that in these awards, go fuck yourself), director Michael Bay figured that since a romance in the midst of tragedy worked so well for Titanic, it would work in Pearl Harbor. What resulted was a disaster greater than THE ACTUAL ATTACK ON DECEMBER 7th, 1941.
The infamous love triangle in Pearl Harbor featured three idiotic characters SO UNLIKABLE that you WANTED the JAPANESE to BOMB THEM. NOBODY liked the love triangle. RAINBOWS AND BUTTERFLIES HATED IT. To make matters worse, the movie was over 2.5 hours, AND THE ROMANTIC TRIPE TOOK UP 3/4ths OF THE MOVIE. To give credit where credit is due, the actual attack sequence is one of the most amazing scenes ever filmed, which is why it PAINS me to give this movie the waste management award. Had the movie been more like Tora Tora Tora, STRATEGY, POLITICS, TACTICS, THEN it would’ve been brilliant. But since the pussification of America is in full swing, it turned into a trashy romance set within the Pearl Harbor attack. OH, let’s not forget the historical inacuracy of sending the Ben Affleck character to fight in the Battle of Britain, even though no American was ever sent to England to fight until AFTER the attack on Pearl Harbor. Also, The anti-climactic “Doolittle raid” on Tokyo at the movie’s conclusion DID LITTLE to save this piece of crap. Watch the 30 minute attack scene, piss on the rest. An American Tragedy indeed. Back to the Blair Witch.
“Thank you Paul, the second recipient of the Waste Management award, is for a movie that was HYPED beyond all belief as an INNOVATIVE new style of filmmaking, but due to the ineptitude of the directors, it actually set horror flicks back 241242365235 years…I am not proud, to present this award to, you guessed it….
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT!!!!!
Paul: Thanks Blair Witch!! I think Brian the dog from Family Guy said it best about this movie. “Running thru the woods, running thru the woods, nothing’s happening, running thru the woods, nothing’s happening, something about a map, running thru the woods, movie’s over, people look pissed.” How can a movie with such HORRIFIC acting be perceived as REAL? The movie, made to look like a documentary, was so NON-believable, my friend Chris and I were laughing at it while watching. Naturally though, gullible Americans ate it up, even AFTER the actors themselves APPEARED ON JAY LENO. Fucking morons. BEYOND that, the movie wasn’t in THE LEAST BIT SCARY OR INTIMIDATING. Scratching on a tent from the outside is NOT scary, it’s comedic. Lance Storm is less boring than the Blair Witch Project. Supposedly there were reports of people vomiting in theaters due to the erratic camerawork? ::CLUBS SEAL:: PEOPLE ARE SUCH PUSSIES. drjhsdrjrdfdzjrtjtjtjdtjdjrsghfjtkf. The fact that as little as 2 months after the movie came out on DVD, it was already only $4.99, a testament to the bullshit. That’s the last time I ever see any movie solely based on the hype factor.
The movie poster should read like this:
“In October of 1994, three stupid filmmakers had a great idea, to make a film that looked staggeringly real, but failed, here is the footage.”
That does it for tonight!! Stay tuned as we present the “OVER-RATED TOILETRY” award!! As the band in From Dusk Till Dawn says….”FUCK YOU EVERYBODY GOOD NIGHT!!!! :BOOM::