THE PFI TRIPE AWARDS: MOVIES THAT INSPIRE CHRIS HAHN TO HAVE A BOWEL MOVEMENT
.no picture available due to the Patriot act.
Good evening fellow members of the PFI. Tonight we congregate here to pay respects to our soon to be dearly departed. Our guest of honor tonight was not the 40th president of the USA, did not try and stop Martin Luther King Jr. day from happening, did not illegally sell arms to Iran, while also selling arms to Iraq and Saddam, did not train Osama bin Laden to fight the evil Soviets, did not believe that trees caused pollution, did not fail to address and ignore the AIDS epidemic till 1987, and didn’t throw the nation into a horrible recession. Tonight’s guest of honor will be leaving for Cocoa Beach shortly, and tonight, we honor movies that both him and myself hated. These are the movies THAT GIVE CHRIS HAHN BOWEL MOVEMENTS, and me too.
The first recipeint of the Bowel Movement award is a movie I was very fond of in my childhood, then I recently re-saw it for what it was, a poor man’s E.T., I present to you…..
Shit wrong picture….
Ah yes, Mac and Me. Mac and Me need only be dictated in FACTS based on what happens in the movie. Let us begin. These creepy looking aliens (picture E.T. on metamphetamines) are meandering about their planet, there’s a mom, a dad, a daughter, and a little boy. How do we determine their sex?? For some odd reason, we just do, maybe their manneurisms. The aliens get thirsty, so they stick straws into the ground, and drink Coke out of the planet, I swear I’m not making this up. Not Pepsi, not Publix Cola….but COKE. I hope Pepsi doesn’t sue me for breach of contract. (Note to Pepsi, I am pointing out all the product placement in Man and Me, no harm done, Pepsi is STILL the choice of the new generation!!!)
Even though the movie was filmed and took place in the late 80′s, it seems NASA has advanced 53252542425 years as they have probes landing on distant planets and expeditiously bringing rock samples back to Earth. The aliens encounter one of these probes, and get sucked into the probe with a huge vacuum cleaner. THE ENTIRE FAMILY. The Ford Probe brings them to Earth where they are released of course. For some odd reason the young boy alien gets separated from his family. He ends up in the backyard of some “down on his luck” kid and his dysfunctional family(does any of this sound familiar). The kid is in a wheelchair. This is mainly so Steven Spielberg and Universal don’t file a lawsuit.
Anyways, the handicapped kid discovers the alien likes Coke, so, in cinema’s finest example of product placement, there are countelss cans of coke lying around everywhere. Then there’s a scene where the wheelchair kid carrens of a ravine into a lake, and the alien must save him. There’s a shot of the alien underwater that looks like a Japanese goldfish. So E.T. on crack saves Hawking the 2nd and a friendship is born. It’s time to tak the alien to, McDONALD’S!!!!! Yet how are they going to get away with bringing an alien to McDonald’s?? Easy, they put him in a teddy bear suit. Then they have all the employees and patrons of McDonalds break out into song and dance, INCLUDING the alien in the teddy bear suit. The size of the alien changes 5 times in this scene due to the stunt workers flipping around in the bear suit. Then the evil government comes and raids the party. Because of how popular he was at the McDonalds party, they name the alien “Mac”. Now if THAT’s not product placement, I don’t know what is. Mac somehow is reunited with the rest of his family in the desert.
Later on, I forgot how, they all end up at a K-mart type store. The aliens are inside the store, government appears, fires at the store, and it inexplicably explodes. What proceeds is pure retardation. The handicapped kid is at least 800 feet away from the store. FOR SOME REASON THE EXPLOSION KILLS HIM. No scars, burn marks, shrapnel wounds, NOTHING. Book of Jorge. Imagine if I were killed all the way down here in 9/11 due to the explosions in NYC. Yes, it looks that ridiculous in this movie. The aliens come out of the burning store (must’ve been all the coke) and revive the dead kid. This causes the government to parlay, and easily grant the aliens AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP. You see them all being sworn in wearing suits and dresses and stuff. I wanted the teddy bear suit back. My father spent YEARS trying to get his citizenship in this country, but these ALIENS FROM PLANET COCA COLA get it IMMEDIATELY upon rescuing a kid. The aliens then drive a pink cadillac and Mac blows a bubble that says “we’ll be back”. Thankfully, they never did. Maybe they were deported? HAHN what do you think?
Hahn: ::DROWNS KITTENS::
Paul: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! At least Mac and Me was supposed to be dumb (I think). This movie was supposed to be SERIOUS AND GOOD. It ended up EVERYTHING BUT. Ladies and gentlemen, start swinging clubs for…….
How does one begin to disseminate this piece of shit? Ah yes, DISAPPOINTMENT. Similar in aspects to Mortal Kombat Annhilation, we waited months and months for Alien Resurrection, and much like that sequel of yore, we were left with cinematic blueballs once it was over. Alien Resurrection started off interestingly enough, with a cargo ship crew discovering the existence of a cloned Ellen Ripley. Along with the cloned Ripley came the cloned QUEEN alien, which was inside of her in the duration of Alien 3. Naturally the aliens escape their captivity on this ship, and all hell breaks loose. It’s actually a GREAT movie, until….the last 20 minutes of the movie. Ripley falls thorugh a steel grating on the ship into a pile of alien goo. At the same exact time, the entire movie falls down there with her, into alien goo.
She begins to hug and caress a bunch of aliens. Yes, this is the same Ripley from the original Alien trilogy, who’s life has been destroyed by these horrific creatures.
Apparently now, she has alien DNA inside of her cloned body, or something. I don’t know, it gives me a headache. So she’s done fellating the aliens, and we see the dreaded QUEEN ALIEN. OH SHIT, HERE WE GO.. SHE’s GONNA KILL BILL..ERR I MEAN THE QUEEN ALIEN!!! Out of nowhere the queen alien GIVES BIRTH to THIS:
THAT piece of artsy fartsy bullshit is a hybrid HUMAN AND ALIEN. It then KILLS the queen alien, thus killing any shot this movie had of being great. In one of the worst lines in movie history, a cocooned scientist says to the newborn hybrid alien “What a beautiful butterfly!” THE HELLFIRE AND AGONY OF THE ALIEN SAGA AND WE GET SOME MORON SAYING “WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY???? ::CLUBS SEAL::
The hybrid alien comes up to him, and crushes his face with his hand. I think the alien was pissed that he was called a BUTTERFLY. I would’ve been too. Anyways, Ripley, realizing this scene is one of the gayest in history, runs out of the room onto the escaping drop ship to Earth. Naturally the hybrid follows “mommy” to the ship, and proceeds to start killing the crewmembers. Ripley must come and stop her “child” from killing people, in a very sentimental, heartfelt scene.
.patriot act strikes again, picture not available.
Awwwww, then she sucks the alien out into space through a tiny hole in the hull as it cries, yes CRIES horrifically. You literally see it’s bowels flying out into space, how’s THAT for a bowel movement?? The crew is on it’s way to Earth, the 3 that are left at least. The end. Whoever’s idea it was to turn Alien into artsy fartsy sentimental bullshit really is deserving of this particular Tripe award. There’s a fine line between dramatic and DUMB. Alien Resurrection certainly breached dumb, then was sucked out into space. Hahn??
Hahn: ::HARPOONS BABY WHALES::
Paul: DAMN YOU HAHN, YOU WONT FIND ANY WHALES TO HARPOON IN COCOA BEACH!!! Farewell my good man!
Tune in next week for quite possibly the most ANGRY, FURIOUS, WRETCHED, and MOST OFFENSIVE of all the tripe awards. THE BUBONIC PLAGUE AWARD, which features the MOST UNFUNNY COMEDIES EVER. Until next week, GOOD NIGHT!!!