Dinner Theater: The Offer
INT. THE BOWL & CHILLI UNDERGROUND CAFE - EVENING Hidden underneath a large brown stone apartment in New York is a special restaurant. In this small dimly lit room patrons can even enjoy a smoke and then a meal. Kyle and Anthony arrived in New York earlier that morning. Anthony was sent on business and Kyle tagged along. While visiting some friends Anthony told them that they were interviewing for new friends and four of them asked to apply. Kyle seeing that all four men were over forty believed having to sit with them through dinner would be horrible and so tricked Anthony into going to THE BOWL & CHILLI hoping that access to alcohol and recreational drugs would make the evening tolerable. Having sat through dinner and several beers and joints Kyle is going crazy unable to handle being with the three men who, to him, are completely boring. JOSH [AGE 40] is a engineer, a total geek and social misfit he only feels comfortable talking about ancient history and spouting off random trivia. RICHARD [AGE 44] is a New York school teacher who has a bit of a nerdy look but more of an older un-cool teacher look. Richard likes to talk about his job and his wife and three kids. NICK [AGE 42] is a self made millionaire who works out of his home. He is an ex-hippy who grows his own fruits and vegetables and loves to talk about them. He is much more brash than the others and will randomly say something off the wall. MIKE [AGE 45] a single Jewish lawyer and ex freedom fighter. Mike is a man of the people who fights against the "man" and hates corruption. He lives at home with his mother and loves to get in arguments. Almost an hour after dinner Mike, Josh, Richard and Nick are talking amongst themselves while Kyle stares at Anthony in disgust. Anthony now realizing his mistake is looking for an excuse to leave. RICHARD So she comes into the room asking me why she got an F. I told her Napoleon Bonaparte is not an ice cream flavor. She just stared at me. MIKE You know I went after the school board. Do you know how much corruption is in there? JOSH Cat's cannot see in the dark. It's true, want me to tell you why? NICK Why don't you tell us what pussy smells like? Oh, I forgot, you can't because you're a virgin. Nick laughs out loud. Richard and Mike continue talking as if they did not hear what was said. Kyle stares at Anthony shaking his head. Anthony is rubbing his temples. KYLE Dude, this is worst than death. ANTHONY I know. KYLE No, I don't think you do. These guys, are worse than a night with my parents. I am drunk and a bit high and I still wish I could gouge my eye out with a spoon. What were you thinking? ANTHONY I just wanted to humor them. Besides, we have been wasting to much time. It's been months and we haven't found any new friends. We need to get serious. KYLE What are you talking about. You added Clara? What, does it not count since you two are bumping uglies? ANTHONY We're not bumping... look, yes, she counts, but we need to finish this thing. KYLE First we need to liven this up. ANTHONY Impossible. Let's just fake an illness and leave. Kyle looks toward the door as two sexy New York women enter the restaurant. Behind them a heavy set balding man follows them. KYLE Not just yet. Alex [Age 25] dressed in black Gothic clothing sits down at the end of the table. She smiles tying back her jet black hair with rainbow streaks. Sam [Age 22] in a tight black dress and army boots sits down next to her. Vincent [Age 33] stand behind the girls and looks out over the table. NICK Whoa, who are these lovely ladies? Everyone at the table stops talking and looks at the girls except Josh who begins reading something on his phone. Kyle smiles rubbing his hands together. Anthony looks puzzled. ANTHONY Kyle, who are these people? KYLE That's Alex, Sam and Vincent. My dad use to travel to New York and he would take me sometimes during the summer. I met these guys way back in the day. After you invited your friends to dinner I called them up. After hearing about what Alex does I had to invite them. RICHARD Oh. Alex, what is it that you do? ALEX I write copy for a pornography company. Richard, Mike and Nick gasp in excitement and shock. Josh finishes reading whatever was on his phone and looks up wondering what is going on. Kyle smiles like a cat with a canary. Anthony looks at Kyle curiously. MIKE Really? Wow, that is beyond hot. JOSH Hey, I got the reviews on the season finally of Battle Star Galactica. Nick turns to Josh. NICK Shut the fuck up V for Virgin. ANTHONY Uh, well, welcome. I'm Anthony... MIKE Who cares, let Alex talk! Go ahead dear. KYLE This is going to be gold. ALEX Uh, that's it. I write for porn. NICK So how many dick's have to taken...you know...at once. SAM She writes for porn. She doesn't stars in it. KYLE I could understand the misconception. Richard stands and shakes Alex's hand. RICHARD Richard Silver attorney at law. If you ever need anything... MIKE Like what, directions to the best kosher bakery in town. Sit down and let the lady speak. KYLE I'm just going to sit back and enjoy this. ANTHONY What a turn of event's. ALEX Writing for porn isn't easy. I don't just write dialog for the movies. I have to write for the magazine and website too. Josh goes back to reading his phone. MIKE You know my wife is from a small town. She never had much sex, before me that is. I bet you could teach her things. ALEX Uh well... SAM She taught me things! KYLE Oh hear we go. RICHARD Go on. NICK Please! ALEX Sam, don't... oh fuck it. Alex takes a hit for a large bowl. ANTHONY I don't care if I go to jail just wait until she finishes. RICHARD I'll get us out of it. ALEX I think I became a full blown lesbian because of working in the porn industry. I mean it can get so sad and depressing. I mean I always liked making out with girls but after you received over ten thousand sick e-mails from forty year old virgins it's more than enough to turn you away. Sam hugs Alex. SAM I'm glad you turned. KYLE Jackpot! Richard takes off his glasses to clean them with his shirt. NICK Okay, now kiss her, slowly. MIKE So yeah, my wife. She's hot but she's not experienced. Maybe...well maybe you could teach her some stuff. Alex looks puzzled at Mike. NICK What the fuck? ALEX Dude, did you just ask me to be in a threesome with your wife? SAM She's hot you say? RICHARD Very hot. NICK I'd fuck her. MIKE No, no, I wouldn't be in it. I could just watch you know. I mean you show her and then she uses it on me. KYLE Are we talking pegging her? Mike turns to Kyle with a serious look. MIKE If that's what it takes man. ANTHONY I think I've entered the twilight zone. Anthony looks at Josh who is completely out of the conversation reading something on his phone. Anthony turns to Nick. ANTHONY (CONT'D) What's with Josh? NICK He's a robot. All brain, no balls. That equals no sex. He has nothing to contribute. ANTHONY That's sad. KYLE Don't act like you're better. Just because you are having sex now. ANTHONY Clara and I aren't having sex! KYLE Uh huh. NICK Will you two shut up! MIKE So my wife can be easily talked into doing something after a few glasses of wine. Nick nods in agreement. NICK Yup, this is true. MIKE If you two met I know you would hit it off. Alex looks at Sam surprised that this man she just met is talking like this. Sam shrugs her shoulders and takes a shot of alcohol. Alex takes another hit of the bowl. ALEX Alright, so I have a question. How can I put this... NICK In your mouth! Anthony looks at Kyle. ANTHONY You sure he isn't your long lost dad. KYLE You think I'm adopted. SAM Oh dude! She writes for porn. She in not in porn. MIKE I'd like you to be "in" my wife. ALEX Listen! How is she, down there? She shave or is it like the burning bush down there. RICHARD That's a very good and hot question. NICK She's shaven. (Turns to Mike) Cindy still shaves right? Mike nods. MIKE Oh yeah. She keeps it clear like a runway. You have to understand I taught her a lot and I love her with all my heart. It's just we need more you know, after a kid and all. KYLE After a kid, especially if it has a big head, that shit is wrecked bro. RICHARD No. Cindy's is still pretty tight. Anthony looks at Richard with a puzzled look. ANTHONY Wait a minute. Somethings wrong here. SAM You guys need to understand how hard it is for Alex. Look, check this out. Sam pulls several porn magazines from her bag and hands them out to the guys. MIKE Oh this is perfect! NICK It's like Christmas! ANTHONY If this place get's raided now we are totally fucked. ALEX Oh, you have my new one in there. I work for a new magazine my company just launched. BBQ BBW's. RICHARD Go on. ALEX It's about big women who take pictures at BBQ's. There are also videos where men feed them BBQ and then have sex. Sometimes they leave the sauce on the girls. ANTHONY They've stolen my dream and made it into a video. Alex begins flipping through the magazine. ALEX This is the one where a model got mad for what I wrote about her. RICHARD So you choose what to right not the girls. SAM The girls are not fit to do that kind of stuff. Sadly, all they can do is suck dick and fuck. Kyle looks at Nick. KYLE Sadly? NICK More like perfect! ALEX Most of these girls have abuse or daddy issues. Honestly, the bigger ones are the most sane. NICK I'm willing to be their daddy. RICHARD Yeah and give them issues. Alex begins to read from the magazine. ALEX Kandy likes two things in life, meat and meat. She wants meat in her stomach and meat in her ass. A sausage in every hole is Kandy's fantasy. Who needs lube just slap on some down home BBQ sauce and she is ready to get cooking. A rack of ribs in one hand and a cock in the other. Just another weekend for this culinary cumming connoisseur. Anthony wipes away a tear. ANTHONY Oh my God that was beautiful. Richard claps his hands. RICHARD Bravo. ALEX Good shit right? SAM And the bitch got mad at Alex for writing that saying it was demeaning. MIKE So, the offer still stands about my wife. Alex laughs. ALEX I don't even know what your wife looks like. SAM I'm sure she's fine and if not there is always beer and weed. KYLE You ever have girls worried that their parents will see their videos or something. ALEX Nah, most of them... VINCENT I like vintage porn. One day I received my monthly mail order video and it had my mother in it. I didn't even know she was a swinger, but I do now. SAM And his mother was hot, still is actually. NICK I was wondering why you didn't say much. Now I know why. RICHARD Who is this guy? ALEX Oh, Vincent? He is kind of like a body guard. He followed us home one day and didn't try to rape us so we decided to keep him. He's pretty fun. Sam puts her hands in front of her as if measuring. SAM Big cock. We don't really need dildo's. Well, strap-on's still are needed. ANTHONY Is anyone else's heart racing? NICK Do you happen to have any personal videos? Kyle passes Anthony a picture. It is of a young pretty woman who looks to be about twenty five. Anthony stares at the picture for a moment then looks at Kyle. ANTHONY Who is this? KYLE Mike's wife. She is pretty hot. Anthony looks back at the picture. ANTHONY Yeah, she is hot and young too. Anthony hands the picture to Mike who takes it and looks at it. MIKE Who's this? ANTHONY Uh, you're wife dude! You so stoned you didn't even remember you were passing around the picture? RICHARD Oh that's my picture. Nick leans over looking at the picture Mike is holding. NICK I have a better one. Nick opens his wallet and pulls out a picture and hands it to Alex. Anthony leans over to Alex to see a picture of Mike's wife in a two piece bathing suit at the beach. Alex and Sam look to be enjoying the picture. ANTHONY Wait just a fucking minute! What the fuck is going on here? ALEX Wow, she is hot! SAM I think we have a deal. ANTHONY How is it that you (points to Nick) and you (points to Richard) have pictures of his (points to Mike) wife? MIKE You think I just started looking for new partners for my wife? I've seen all I could see with other men. It's time to move on. KYLE Has she gone black yet? Cause, you know, Anthony here... Anthony stands from the table in a panic. ANTHONY No! I can't take this anymore. This is to much, even for me. Josh looks up from reading his phone. JOSH Okay now normally I don't use Wikipedia but it had some great information on sex. I am ready to join the conversation now. KYLE To little to late bro. Anthony leaves. ANTHONY This worlds gone crazy! Alex and Sam stare at Mike with a seductive look in their eyes. ALEX So, let's head to your place and finalize the deal. Alex, Sam and Mike stand and begin to walk out of the restaurant with Vincent behind them. MIKE I'm rich too you know. SAM You better be. Kyle looks at Josh and Richard then Nick. KYLE I never stay around when a fail boat is sinking. (Looks at Nick) Want to hit a strip club? Nick stands. NICK I thought you'd never ask. Kyle and Nick walk from the table. KYLE Are you my dad? NICK Is your mom hot? KYLE Uh, I don't know, maybe. NICK Then maybe I am. Richard and Josh stare at each other from across the table for several seconds. JOSH So did you know that back in Rome... Richard punches Josh in the face and storms from the table.