Dinner Theater: The Offer

Dinner Theater-15

               INT. THE BOWL & CHILLI UNDERGROUND CAFE - EVENING

               Hidden underneath a large brown stone apartment in New York
               is a special restaurant. In this small dimly lit room patrons
               can even enjoy a smoke and then a meal. 

               Kyle and Anthony arrived in New York earlier that morning.
               Anthony was sent on business and Kyle tagged along. While
               visiting some friends Anthony told them that they were
               interviewing for new friends and four of them asked to apply.

               Kyle seeing that all four men were over forty believed having
               to sit with them through dinner would be horrible and so
               tricked Anthony into going to THE BOWL & CHILLI hoping that
               access to alcohol and recreational drugs would make the
               evening tolerable. 

               Having sat through dinner and several beers and joints Kyle
               is going crazy unable to handle being with the three men who,
               to him, are completely boring.

               JOSH [AGE 40] is a engineer, a total geek and social misfit
               he only feels comfortable talking about ancient history and
               spouting off random trivia.

               RICHARD [AGE 44] is a New York school teacher who has a bit
               of a nerdy look but more of an older un-cool teacher look.
               Richard likes to talk about his job and his wife and three
               kids.

               NICK [AGE 42] is a self made millionaire who works out of his
               home. He is an ex-hippy who grows his own fruits and
               vegetables and loves to talk about them. He is much more
               brash than the others and will randomly say something off the
               wall.

               MIKE [AGE 45] a single Jewish lawyer and ex freedom fighter.
               Mike is a man of the people who fights against the "man" and
               hates corruption. He lives at home with his mother and loves
               to get in arguments. 

               Almost an hour after dinner Mike, Josh, Richard and Nick are
               talking amongst themselves while Kyle stares at Anthony in
               disgust. Anthony now realizing his mistake is looking for an
               excuse to leave.

                                   RICHARD
                         So she comes into the room asking
                         me why she got an F. I told her
                         Napoleon Bonaparte is not an ice
                         cream flavor. She just stared at
                         me.

                                   MIKE
                         You know I went after the school
                         board. Do you know how much
                         corruption is in there?

                                   JOSH
                         Cat's cannot see in the dark. It's
                         true, want me to tell you why?

                                   NICK
                         Why don't you tell us what pussy
                         smells like? Oh, I forgot, you
                         can't because you're a virgin.

               Nick laughs out loud. Richard and Mike continue talking as if
               they did not hear what was said. Kyle stares at Anthony
               shaking his head. Anthony is rubbing his temples.

                                   KYLE
                         Dude, this is worst than death.

                                   ANTHONY
                         I know.

                                   KYLE 
                         No, I don't think you do. These
                         guys, are worse than a night with
                         my parents. I am drunk and a bit
                         high and I still wish I could gouge
                         my eye out with a spoon. What were
                         you thinking?

                                   ANTHONY
                         I just wanted to humor them.
                         Besides, we have been wasting to
                         much time. It's been months and we
                         haven't found any new friends. We
                         need to get serious.

                                   KYLE
                         What are you talking about. You
                         added Clara? What, does it not
                         count since you two are bumping
                         uglies?

                                   ANTHONY
                         We're not bumping... look, yes, she
                         counts, but we need to finish this
                         thing.

                                   KYLE
                         First we need to liven this up.

                                   ANTHONY
                         Impossible. Let's just fake an
                         illness and leave.

               Kyle looks toward the door as two sexy New York women enter
               the restaurant. Behind them a heavy set balding man follows
               them.

                                   KYLE
                         Not just yet.

               Alex [Age 25] dressed in black Gothic clothing sits down at
               the end of the table. She smiles tying back her jet black
               hair with rainbow streaks.

               Sam [Age 22] in a tight black dress and army boots sits down
               next to her. 

               Vincent [Age 33] stand behind the girls and looks out over
               the table.

                                   NICK
                         Whoa, who are these lovely ladies?

               Everyone at the table stops talking and looks at the girls
               except Josh who begins reading something on his phone. Kyle
               smiles rubbing his hands together. Anthony looks puzzled.

                                   ANTHONY
                         Kyle, who are these people?

                                   KYLE
                         That's Alex, Sam and Vincent. My
                         dad use to travel to New York and
                         he would take me sometimes during
                         the summer. I met these guys way
                         back in the day. After you invited
                         your friends to dinner I called
                         them up. After hearing about what
                         Alex does I had to invite them.

                                   RICHARD
                         Oh. Alex, what is it that you do?

                                   ALEX
                         I write copy for a pornography
                         company.

               Richard, Mike and Nick gasp in excitement and shock. Josh
               finishes reading whatever was on his phone and looks up
               wondering what is going on. Kyle smiles like a cat with a
               canary. Anthony looks at Kyle curiously.

                                   MIKE
                         Really? Wow, that is beyond hot.

                                   JOSH
                         Hey, I got the reviews on the
                         season finally of Battle Star
                         Galactica.

               Nick turns to Josh.

                                   NICK
                         Shut the fuck up V for Virgin.

                                   ANTHONY
                         Uh, well, welcome. I'm Anthony...

                                   MIKE
                         Who cares, let Alex talk! Go ahead
                         dear.

                                   KYLE
                         This is going to be gold.

                                   ALEX
                         Uh, that's it. I write for porn.

                                   NICK
                         So how many dick's have to
                         taken...you know...at once.

                                   SAM
                         She writes for porn. She doesn't
                         stars in it.

                                   KYLE
                         I could understand the
                         misconception.

               Richard stands and shakes Alex's hand.

                                   RICHARD
                         Richard Silver attorney at law. If
                         you ever need anything...

                                   MIKE
                         Like what, directions to the best
                         kosher bakery in town. Sit down and
                         let the lady speak.

                                   KYLE
                         I'm just going to sit back and
                         enjoy this.

                                   ANTHONY
                         What a turn of event's.

                                   ALEX
                         Writing for porn isn't easy. I
                         don't just write dialog for the
                         movies. I have to write for the
                         magazine and website too.

               Josh goes back to reading his phone.

                                   MIKE
                         You know my wife is from a small
                         town. She never had much sex,
                         before me that is. I bet you could
                         teach her things.

                                   ALEX
                         Uh well...

                                   SAM
                         She taught me things!

                                   KYLE
                         Oh hear we go.

                                   RICHARD
                         Go on.

                                   NICK
                         Please!

                                   ALEX
                         Sam, don't... oh fuck it.

               Alex takes a hit for a large bowl.

                                   ANTHONY
                         I don't care if I go to jail just
                         wait until she finishes.

                                   RICHARD
                         I'll get us out of it.

                                   ALEX
                         I think I became a full blown
                         lesbian because of working in the
                         porn industry. I mean it can get so
                         sad and depressing. I mean I always
                         liked making out with girls but
                         after you received over ten
                         thousand sick e-mails from forty
                         year old virgins it's more than
                         enough to turn you away.

               Sam hugs Alex.

                                   SAM
                         I'm glad you turned.

                                   KYLE
                         Jackpot!

               Richard takes off his glasses to clean them with his shirt.

                                   NICK
                         Okay, now kiss her, slowly.

                                   MIKE
                         So yeah, my wife. She's hot but
                         she's not experienced. Maybe...well
                         maybe you could teach her some
                         stuff.

               Alex looks puzzled at Mike.

                                   NICK
                         What the fuck?

                                   ALEX
                         Dude, did you just ask me to be in
                         a threesome with your wife?

                                   SAM
                         She's hot you say?

                                   RICHARD
                         Very hot.

                                   NICK
                         I'd fuck her.

                                   MIKE
                         No, no, I wouldn't be in it. I
                         could just watch you know. I mean
                         you show her and then she uses it
                         on me.

                                   KYLE
                         Are we talking pegging her?

               Mike turns to Kyle with a serious look.

                                   MIKE
                         If that's what it takes man.

                                   ANTHONY
                         I think I've entered the twilight
                         zone.

               Anthony looks at Josh who is completely out of the
               conversation reading something on his phone. Anthony turns to
               Nick.

                                   ANTHONY (CONT'D)
                         What's with Josh?

                                   NICK
                         He's a robot. All brain, no balls.
                         That equals no sex. He has nothing
                         to contribute.

                                   ANTHONY
                         That's sad.

                                   KYLE
                         Don't act like you're better. Just
                         because you are having sex now.

                                   ANTHONY
                         Clara and I aren't having sex!

                                   KYLE
                         Uh huh.

                                   NICK
                         Will you two shut up!

                                   MIKE
                         So my wife can be easily talked
                         into doing something after a few
                         glasses of wine.

               Nick nods in agreement.

                                   NICK
                         Yup, this is true.

                                   MIKE
                         If you two met I know you would hit
                         it off.

               Alex looks at Sam surprised that this man she just met is
               talking like this. Sam shrugs her shoulders and takes a shot
               of alcohol. Alex takes another hit of the bowl.

                                   ALEX
                         Alright, so I have a question. How
                         can I put this...

                                   NICK
                         In your mouth!

               Anthony looks at Kyle.

                                   ANTHONY
                         You sure he isn't your long lost
                         dad.

                                   KYLE
                         You think I'm adopted.

                                   SAM
                         Oh dude! She writes for porn. She
                         in not in porn.

                                   MIKE
                         I'd like you to be "in" my wife.

                                   ALEX
                         Listen! How is she, down there? She
                         shave or is it like the burning
                         bush down there.

                                   RICHARD
                         That's a very good and hot
                         question.

                                   NICK
                         She's shaven. (Turns to Mike) Cindy
                         still shaves right?

               Mike nods.

                                   MIKE
                         Oh yeah. She keeps it clear like a
                         runway. You have to understand I
                         taught her a lot and I love her
                         with all my heart. It's just we
                         need more you know, after a kid and
                         all.

                                   KYLE
                         After a kid, especially if it has a
                         big head, that shit is wrecked bro.

                                   RICHARD
                         No. Cindy's is still pretty tight.

               Anthony looks at Richard with a puzzled look.

                                   ANTHONY
                         Wait a minute. Somethings wrong
                         here.

                                   SAM
                         You guys need to understand how
                         hard it is for Alex. Look, check
                         this out.

               Sam pulls several porn magazines from her bag and hands them
               out to the guys.

                                   MIKE
                         Oh this is perfect!

                                   NICK
                         It's like Christmas!

                                   ANTHONY
                         If this place get's raided now we
                         are totally fucked.

                                   ALEX
                         Oh, you have my new one in there. I
                         work for a new magazine my company
                         just launched. BBQ BBW's.

                                   RICHARD
                         Go on.

                                   ALEX
                         It's about big women who take
                         pictures at BBQ's. There are also
                         videos where men feed them BBQ and
                         then have sex. Sometimes they leave
                         the sauce on the girls.

                                   ANTHONY
                         They've stolen my dream and made it
                         into a video.

               Alex begins flipping through the magazine.

                                   ALEX
                         This is the one where a model got
                         mad for what I wrote about her.

                                   RICHARD
                         So you choose what to right not the
                         girls.

                                   SAM
                         The girls are not fit to do that
                         kind of stuff. Sadly, all they can
                         do is suck dick and fuck.

               Kyle looks at Nick.

                                   KYLE
                         Sadly?

                                   NICK
                         More like perfect!

                                   ALEX
                         Most of these girls have abuse or
                         daddy issues. Honestly, the bigger
                         ones are the most sane.

                                   NICK
                         I'm willing to be their daddy.

                                   RICHARD
                         Yeah and give them issues.

               Alex begins to read from the magazine.

                                   ALEX
                         Kandy likes two things in life,
                         meat and meat. She wants meat in
                         her stomach and meat in her ass. A
                         sausage in every hole is Kandy's
                         fantasy. Who needs lube just slap
                         on some down home BBQ sauce and she
                         is ready to get cooking. A rack of
                         ribs in one hand and a cock in the
                         other. Just another weekend for
                         this culinary cumming connoisseur. 

               Anthony wipes away a tear.

                                   ANTHONY
                         Oh my God that was beautiful.

               Richard claps his hands.

                                   RICHARD
                         Bravo.

                                   ALEX
                         Good shit right?

                                   SAM
                         And the bitch got mad at Alex for
                         writing that saying it was
                         demeaning.

                                   MIKE
                         So, the offer still stands about my
                         wife.

               Alex laughs.

                                   ALEX
                         I don't even know what your wife
                         looks like.

                                   SAM
                         I'm sure she's fine and if not
                         there is always beer and weed.

                                   KYLE
                         You ever have girls worried that
                         their parents will see their videos
                         or something.

                                   ALEX
                         Nah, most of them...

                                   VINCENT
                         I like vintage porn. One day I
                         received my monthly mail order
                         video and it had my mother in it. I
                         didn't even know she was a swinger,
                         but I do now.

                                   SAM
                         And his mother was hot, still is
                         actually.

                                   NICK
                         I was wondering why you didn't say
                         much. Now I know why.

                                   RICHARD
                         Who is this guy?

                                   ALEX
                         Oh, Vincent? He is kind of like a
                         body guard. He followed us home one
                         day and didn't try to rape us so we
                         decided to keep him. He's pretty
                         fun.

               Sam puts her hands in front of her as if measuring.

                                   SAM
                         Big cock. We don't really need
                         dildo's. Well, strap-on's still are
                         needed.

                                   ANTHONY
                         Is anyone else's heart racing?

                                   NICK
                         Do you happen to have any personal
                         videos?

               Kyle passes Anthony a picture. It is of a young pretty woman
               who looks to be about twenty five. Anthony stares at the
               picture for a moment then looks at Kyle.

                                   ANTHONY
                         Who is this?

                                   KYLE
                         Mike's wife. She is pretty hot.

               Anthony looks back at the picture.

                                   ANTHONY
                         Yeah, she is hot and young too.

               Anthony hands the picture to Mike who takes it and looks at
               it.

                                   MIKE
                         Who's this?

                                   ANTHONY
                         Uh, you're wife dude! You so stoned
                         you didn't even remember you were
                         passing around the picture?

                                   RICHARD
                         Oh that's my picture.

               Nick leans over looking at the picture Mike is holding.

                                   NICK
                         I have a better one.

               Nick opens his wallet and pulls out a picture and hands it to
               Alex. Anthony leans over to Alex to see a picture of Mike's
               wife in a two piece bathing suit at the beach. Alex and Sam
               look to be enjoying the picture.

                                   ANTHONY
                         Wait just a fucking minute! What
                         the fuck is going on here?

                                   ALEX
                         Wow, she is hot!

                                   SAM
                         I think we have a deal.

                                   ANTHONY
                         How is it that you (points to Nick)
                         and you (points to Richard) have
                         pictures of his (points to Mike)
                         wife?

                                   MIKE
                         You think I just started looking
                         for new partners for my wife? I've
                         seen all I could see with other
                         men. It's time to move on.

                                   KYLE
                         Has she gone black yet? Cause, you
                         know, Anthony here...

               Anthony stands from the table in a panic.

                                   ANTHONY
                         No! I can't take this anymore. This
                         is to much, even for me.

               Josh looks up from reading his phone.

                                   JOSH
                         Okay now normally I don't use
                         Wikipedia but it had some great
                         information on sex. I am ready to
                         join the conversation now.

                                   KYLE
                         To little to late bro.

               Anthony leaves.

                                   ANTHONY
                         This worlds gone crazy!

               Alex and Sam stare at Mike with a seductive look in their
               eyes.

                                   ALEX
                         So, let's head to your place and
                         finalize the deal.

               Alex, Sam and Mike stand and begin to walk out of the
               restaurant with Vincent behind them.

                                   MIKE
                         I'm rich too you know.

                                   SAM
                         You better be.

               Kyle looks at Josh and Richard then Nick.

                                   KYLE
                         I never stay around when a fail
                         boat is sinking. (Looks at Nick)
                         Want to hit a strip club?

               Nick stands.

                                   NICK
                         I thought you'd never ask.

               Kyle and Nick walk from the table.

                                   KYLE
                         Are you my dad?

                                   NICK
                         Is your mom hot?

                                   KYLE
                         Uh, I don't know, maybe.

                                   NICK
                         Then maybe I am.

               Richard and Josh stare at each other from across the table
               for several seconds.

                                   JOSH
                         So did you know that back in
                         Rome... 

               Richard punches Josh in the face and storms from the table.

 

Spread the Obscure!

Related Posts:

No comments.

Leave a Reply

*