Dinner Theater: The Offer
INT. THE BOWL & CHILLI UNDERGROUND CAFE - EVENING
Hidden underneath a large brown stone apartment in New York
is a special restaurant. In this small dimly lit room patrons
can even enjoy a smoke and then a meal.
Kyle and Anthony arrived in New York earlier that morning.
Anthony was sent on business and Kyle tagged along. While
visiting some friends Anthony told them that they were
interviewing for new friends and four of them asked to apply.
Kyle seeing that all four men were over forty believed having
to sit with them through dinner would be horrible and so
tricked Anthony into going to THE BOWL & CHILLI hoping that
access to alcohol and recreational drugs would make the
evening tolerable.
Having sat through dinner and several beers and joints Kyle
is going crazy unable to handle being with the three men who,
to him, are completely boring.
JOSH [AGE 40] is a engineer, a total geek and social misfit
he only feels comfortable talking about ancient history and
spouting off random trivia.
RICHARD [AGE 44] is a New York school teacher who has a bit
of a nerdy look but more of an older un-cool teacher look.
Richard likes to talk about his job and his wife and three
kids.
NICK [AGE 42] is a self made millionaire who works out of his
home. He is an ex-hippy who grows his own fruits and
vegetables and loves to talk about them. He is much more
brash than the others and will randomly say something off the
wall.
MIKE [AGE 45] a single Jewish lawyer and ex freedom fighter.
Mike is a man of the people who fights against the "man" and
hates corruption. He lives at home with his mother and loves
to get in arguments.
Almost an hour after dinner Mike, Josh, Richard and Nick are
talking amongst themselves while Kyle stares at Anthony in
disgust. Anthony now realizing his mistake is looking for an
excuse to leave.
RICHARD
So she comes into the room asking
me why she got an F. I told her
Napoleon Bonaparte is not an ice
cream flavor. She just stared at
me.
MIKE
You know I went after the school
board. Do you know how much
corruption is in there?
JOSH
Cat's cannot see in the dark. It's
true, want me to tell you why?
NICK
Why don't you tell us what pussy
smells like? Oh, I forgot, you
can't because you're a virgin.
Nick laughs out loud. Richard and Mike continue talking as if
they did not hear what was said. Kyle stares at Anthony
shaking his head. Anthony is rubbing his temples.
KYLE
Dude, this is worst than death.
ANTHONY
I know.
KYLE
No, I don't think you do. These
guys, are worse than a night with
my parents. I am drunk and a bit
high and I still wish I could gouge
my eye out with a spoon. What were
you thinking?
ANTHONY
I just wanted to humor them.
Besides, we have been wasting to
much time. It's been months and we
haven't found any new friends. We
need to get serious.
KYLE
What are you talking about. You
added Clara? What, does it not
count since you two are bumping
uglies?
ANTHONY
We're not bumping... look, yes, she
counts, but we need to finish this
thing.
KYLE
First we need to liven this up.
ANTHONY
Impossible. Let's just fake an
illness and leave.
Kyle looks toward the door as two sexy New York women enter
the restaurant. Behind them a heavy set balding man follows
them.
KYLE
Not just yet.
Alex [Age 25] dressed in black Gothic clothing sits down at
the end of the table. She smiles tying back her jet black
hair with rainbow streaks.
Sam [Age 22] in a tight black dress and army boots sits down
next to her.
Vincent [Age 33] stand behind the girls and looks out over
the table.
NICK
Whoa, who are these lovely ladies?
Everyone at the table stops talking and looks at the girls
except Josh who begins reading something on his phone. Kyle
smiles rubbing his hands together. Anthony looks puzzled.
ANTHONY
Kyle, who are these people?
KYLE
That's Alex, Sam and Vincent. My
dad use to travel to New York and
he would take me sometimes during
the summer. I met these guys way
back in the day. After you invited
your friends to dinner I called
them up. After hearing about what
Alex does I had to invite them.
RICHARD
Oh. Alex, what is it that you do?
ALEX
I write copy for a pornography
company.
Richard, Mike and Nick gasp in excitement and shock. Josh
finishes reading whatever was on his phone and looks up
wondering what is going on. Kyle smiles like a cat with a
canary. Anthony looks at Kyle curiously.
MIKE
Really? Wow, that is beyond hot.
JOSH
Hey, I got the reviews on the
season finally of Battle Star
Galactica.
Nick turns to Josh.
NICK
Shut the fuck up V for Virgin.
ANTHONY
Uh, well, welcome. I'm Anthony...
MIKE
Who cares, let Alex talk! Go ahead
dear.
KYLE
This is going to be gold.
ALEX
Uh, that's it. I write for porn.
NICK
So how many dick's have to
taken...you know...at once.
SAM
She writes for porn. She doesn't
stars in it.
KYLE
I could understand the
misconception.
Richard stands and shakes Alex's hand.
RICHARD
Richard Silver attorney at law. If
you ever need anything...
MIKE
Like what, directions to the best
kosher bakery in town. Sit down and
let the lady speak.
KYLE
I'm just going to sit back and
enjoy this.
ANTHONY
What a turn of event's.
ALEX
Writing for porn isn't easy. I
don't just write dialog for the
movies. I have to write for the
magazine and website too.
Josh goes back to reading his phone.
MIKE
You know my wife is from a small
town. She never had much sex,
before me that is. I bet you could
teach her things.
ALEX
Uh well...
SAM
She taught me things!
KYLE
Oh hear we go.
RICHARD
Go on.
NICK
Please!
ALEX
Sam, don't... oh fuck it.
Alex takes a hit for a large bowl.
ANTHONY
I don't care if I go to jail just
wait until she finishes.
RICHARD
I'll get us out of it.
ALEX
I think I became a full blown
lesbian because of working in the
porn industry. I mean it can get so
sad and depressing. I mean I always
liked making out with girls but
after you received over ten
thousand sick e-mails from forty
year old virgins it's more than
enough to turn you away.
Sam hugs Alex.
SAM
I'm glad you turned.
KYLE
Jackpot!
Richard takes off his glasses to clean them with his shirt.
NICK
Okay, now kiss her, slowly.
MIKE
So yeah, my wife. She's hot but
she's not experienced. Maybe...well
maybe you could teach her some
stuff.
Alex looks puzzled at Mike.
NICK
What the fuck?
ALEX
Dude, did you just ask me to be in
a threesome with your wife?
SAM
She's hot you say?
RICHARD
Very hot.
NICK
I'd fuck her.
MIKE
No, no, I wouldn't be in it. I
could just watch you know. I mean
you show her and then she uses it
on me.
KYLE
Are we talking pegging her?
Mike turns to Kyle with a serious look.
MIKE
If that's what it takes man.
ANTHONY
I think I've entered the twilight
zone.
Anthony looks at Josh who is completely out of the
conversation reading something on his phone. Anthony turns to
Nick.
ANTHONY (CONT'D)
What's with Josh?
NICK
He's a robot. All brain, no balls.
That equals no sex. He has nothing
to contribute.
ANTHONY
That's sad.
KYLE
Don't act like you're better. Just
because you are having sex now.
ANTHONY
Clara and I aren't having sex!
KYLE
Uh huh.
NICK
Will you two shut up!
MIKE
So my wife can be easily talked
into doing something after a few
glasses of wine.
Nick nods in agreement.
NICK
Yup, this is true.
MIKE
If you two met I know you would hit
it off.
Alex looks at Sam surprised that this man she just met is
talking like this. Sam shrugs her shoulders and takes a shot
of alcohol. Alex takes another hit of the bowl.
ALEX
Alright, so I have a question. How
can I put this...
NICK
In your mouth!
Anthony looks at Kyle.
ANTHONY
You sure he isn't your long lost
dad.
KYLE
You think I'm adopted.
SAM
Oh dude! She writes for porn. She
in not in porn.
MIKE
I'd like you to be "in" my wife.
ALEX
Listen! How is she, down there? She
shave or is it like the burning
bush down there.
RICHARD
That's a very good and hot
question.
NICK
She's shaven. (Turns to Mike) Cindy
still shaves right?
Mike nods.
MIKE
Oh yeah. She keeps it clear like a
runway. You have to understand I
taught her a lot and I love her
with all my heart. It's just we
need more you know, after a kid and
all.
KYLE
After a kid, especially if it has a
big head, that shit is wrecked bro.
RICHARD
No. Cindy's is still pretty tight.
Anthony looks at Richard with a puzzled look.
ANTHONY
Wait a minute. Somethings wrong
here.
SAM
You guys need to understand how
hard it is for Alex. Look, check
this out.
Sam pulls several porn magazines from her bag and hands them
out to the guys.
MIKE
Oh this is perfect!
NICK
It's like Christmas!
ANTHONY
If this place get's raided now we
are totally fucked.
ALEX
Oh, you have my new one in there. I
work for a new magazine my company
just launched. BBQ BBW's.
RICHARD
Go on.
ALEX
It's about big women who take
pictures at BBQ's. There are also
videos where men feed them BBQ and
then have sex. Sometimes they leave
the sauce on the girls.
ANTHONY
They've stolen my dream and made it
into a video.
Alex begins flipping through the magazine.
ALEX
This is the one where a model got
mad for what I wrote about her.
RICHARD
So you choose what to right not the
girls.
SAM
The girls are not fit to do that
kind of stuff. Sadly, all they can
do is suck dick and fuck.
Kyle looks at Nick.
KYLE
Sadly?
NICK
More like perfect!
ALEX
Most of these girls have abuse or
daddy issues. Honestly, the bigger
ones are the most sane.
NICK
I'm willing to be their daddy.
RICHARD
Yeah and give them issues.
Alex begins to read from the magazine.
ALEX
Kandy likes two things in life,
meat and meat. She wants meat in
her stomach and meat in her ass. A
sausage in every hole is Kandy's
fantasy. Who needs lube just slap
on some down home BBQ sauce and she
is ready to get cooking. A rack of
ribs in one hand and a cock in the
other. Just another weekend for
this culinary cumming connoisseur.
Anthony wipes away a tear.
ANTHONY
Oh my God that was beautiful.
Richard claps his hands.
RICHARD
Bravo.
ALEX
Good shit right?
SAM
And the bitch got mad at Alex for
writing that saying it was
demeaning.
MIKE
So, the offer still stands about my
wife.
Alex laughs.
ALEX
I don't even know what your wife
looks like.
SAM
I'm sure she's fine and if not
there is always beer and weed.
KYLE
You ever have girls worried that
their parents will see their videos
or something.
ALEX
Nah, most of them...
VINCENT
I like vintage porn. One day I
received my monthly mail order
video and it had my mother in it. I
didn't even know she was a swinger,
but I do now.
SAM
And his mother was hot, still is
actually.
NICK
I was wondering why you didn't say
much. Now I know why.
RICHARD
Who is this guy?
ALEX
Oh, Vincent? He is kind of like a
body guard. He followed us home one
day and didn't try to rape us so we
decided to keep him. He's pretty
fun.
Sam puts her hands in front of her as if measuring.
SAM
Big cock. We don't really need
dildo's. Well, strap-on's still are
needed.
ANTHONY
Is anyone else's heart racing?
NICK
Do you happen to have any personal
videos?
Kyle passes Anthony a picture. It is of a young pretty woman
who looks to be about twenty five. Anthony stares at the
picture for a moment then looks at Kyle.
ANTHONY
Who is this?
KYLE
Mike's wife. She is pretty hot.
Anthony looks back at the picture.
ANTHONY
Yeah, she is hot and young too.
Anthony hands the picture to Mike who takes it and looks at
it.
MIKE
Who's this?
ANTHONY
Uh, you're wife dude! You so stoned
you didn't even remember you were
passing around the picture?
RICHARD
Oh that's my picture.
Nick leans over looking at the picture Mike is holding.
NICK
I have a better one.
Nick opens his wallet and pulls out a picture and hands it to
Alex. Anthony leans over to Alex to see a picture of Mike's
wife in a two piece bathing suit at the beach. Alex and Sam
look to be enjoying the picture.
ANTHONY
Wait just a fucking minute! What
the fuck is going on here?
ALEX
Wow, she is hot!
SAM
I think we have a deal.
ANTHONY
How is it that you (points to Nick)
and you (points to Richard) have
pictures of his (points to Mike)
wife?
MIKE
You think I just started looking
for new partners for my wife? I've
seen all I could see with other
men. It's time to move on.
KYLE
Has she gone black yet? Cause, you
know, Anthony here...
Anthony stands from the table in a panic.
ANTHONY
No! I can't take this anymore. This
is to much, even for me.
Josh looks up from reading his phone.
JOSH
Okay now normally I don't use
Wikipedia but it had some great
information on sex. I am ready to
join the conversation now.
KYLE
To little to late bro.
Anthony leaves.
ANTHONY
This worlds gone crazy!
Alex and Sam stare at Mike with a seductive look in their
eyes.
ALEX
So, let's head to your place and
finalize the deal.
Alex, Sam and Mike stand and begin to walk out of the
restaurant with Vincent behind them.
MIKE
I'm rich too you know.
SAM
You better be.
Kyle looks at Josh and Richard then Nick.
KYLE
I never stay around when a fail
boat is sinking. (Looks at Nick)
Want to hit a strip club?
Nick stands.
NICK
I thought you'd never ask.
Kyle and Nick walk from the table.
KYLE
Are you my dad?
NICK
Is your mom hot?
KYLE
Uh, I don't know, maybe.
NICK
Then maybe I am.
Richard and Josh stare at each other from across the table
for several seconds.
JOSH
So did you know that back in
Rome...
Richard punches Josh in the face and storms from the table.
Alone in the Dark
Life After – By J.A. Laraque
One – By: J.A. Laraque
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