Dinner Theater: This is the end of an era
THE DREIDEL JEWISH BAKERY - AFTERNOON Anthony and Kyle sit at large square table near the entrance of the small family owned bakery. Anthony stares at the display case filled with various baked goods. Kyle looks around at the numerous patrons coming and going from the store. ANTHONY Dieting sucks. I remember the ass hats that would tell me that all I had to do to lose weight was stopping eating Big Mac's. That's bull-shit! I eat nothing but rabbit food all day and work my ass off for what? To lose two pounds a week! Anthony looks at Kyle for encouragement. Kyle is still looking around nervously. ANTHONY (CONT'D) What's wrong with you? Kyle looks at Anthony. KYLE I don't like it in here. Anthony flashes an evil grin. ANTHONY What, do you think they will find out about your German heritage and attack you. Kyle flails his arms in Anthony's direction trying to get him to lower his voice. KYLE Shut up man! Some of these people would hang me. Anthony shakes his head. ANTHONY This is a sad day for your people. Lola, Jonathan and Kim enter the store and walk over toward Anthony and Kyle. ANTHONY (CONT'D) Where were you guys? We have been here for over an hour. LOLA Kim broke up with the fireman. She was on the phone when we went to pick her up. Kim looks at Lola upset she mentioned it. KYLE Well, well, well. Did he finally decide to embrace his gay side? KIM No, just his asshole side. I don't want to talk about it. Jonathan sits next to Anthony letting out a deep sigh. JONATHAN You were talking about it all the way here. ANTHONY How about a change of topic to liven things up. Anthony thinks for a moment. ANTHONY (CONT'D) How about the worst things you or someone you were with have said during or after sex. KYLE Wouldn't you have had to had sex to participate. Anthony pumps his fist at Kyle. KIM No, I need to laugh. I'm game. JONATHAN I don't need a condom. If you get pregnant then I'll just perform a surprise abortion? KIM That's just sick...what's a surprise abortion? JONATHAN It's when you punch your girl in the stomach and yell surprise. Kim puts her head in her hands. KIM Why did I ask? KYLE Pushing her down the stairs works to. Everyone looks at Kyle. KYLE (CONT'D) I don't know from personal experience. I'm just saying... Hershel walks into the restaurant and over toward Anthony. ANTHONY Oh shit! When did you get in town? Wait? How did you know I was here? JONATHAN Oh he was at Kim's house when we arrived? ANTHONY What? KIM We are just friends. Anthony looks at Hershel. ANTHONY You come into town and don't come see me first. Hershel looks at Kim then Anthony. HERSHEL Uh, her house was on the way. ANTHONY No it's not! HERSHEL The way I came it is. Anthony looks at Jonathan. ANTHONY And you couldn't let me know Hershel was here when you came in? Jonathan shrugs his shoulders. JONATHAN I forgot. ANTHONY How do you forget that? LOLA He does that a lot. He forget's to tell me he's cumming all the time. Everyone stares at Lola. Hershel smiles. HERSHEL Yeah, in Chicago we call that a surprise facial. Lola looks at Jonathan realizing what he has been doing. LOLA You mother...! Lola grabs Jonathan's balls and beings twisting them. JONATHAN I was into it, it wasn't on purpose. No baby no! HERSHEL I had sex with this Taiwanese chick once. While I was pounding her she would make these sounds. It sounded like a ten year old girl crying. ANTHONY That must have been a mood killer huh? HERSHEL No, why would you say that? Anthony rolls his eyes. KYLE Things a girl might say to Anthony before, during or after sex. ANTHONY No! LOLA For you it will cost double. JONATHAN Is it in yet? KIM I'm doing this for charity. HERSHEL I know that position is possible I've been with guys fatter than you. KYLE Is that even possible? ANTHONY Fuck all you people. HERSHEL I dated a girl and the first time we had sex she was screaming and totally into it when all of a sudden out of no where she starts crying. I ask her what's wrong and she says her boyfriend use to hit her. LOLA Damn, what did you do? HERSHEL I hit her. KIM What?! HERSHEL Yeah, I fucked up. I thought she was crying because I wasn't hitting her. I was wrong. ANTHONY I don't know how it is you have so much sex. KIM I know... ANTHONY You've had sex in my bed before me, my car, my shower, even on my prom night. JONATHAN So basically he has had more sex in places personal to you than you have had sex period. Anthony lowers his head. KYLE You know what's worst? It's when they cry afterwards. Unless that's what you wanted. LOLA How could that be something you would want? KYLE Well like if she claims she can't feel you and then you stick it in her ass for retaliation and then they let out a blood curdling scream followed by deep sobbing. Everyone looks at Kyle. Hershel nods his head. HERSHEL It's never happened to me, but I understand where you are coming from. ANTHONY I should have never brought up this subject. Lola looks at Kim. LOLA You should have break-up sex with the fireman. KIM Why would I want to do that? LOLA What, like you never had break-up sex before. HERSHEL I think everyone has. KYLE Except Anthony. ANTHONY Fuck you. KIM I've had break-up sex, but not like you are thinking. JONATHAN I'm intrigued. Kim takes a deep breath. KIM Once or twice I had sex with a guy to decide if I would break up with him or not. He just didn't score enough points so I tapped him on the shoulder and told him he was done and we were though. Lola smiles. JONATHAN Wow the tap out, that's cold blooded. I have a new respect for you. KIM (Sarcastically) Oh thank you. Kim smiles and looks toward Anthony. KIM (CONT'D) So Hershel, are you a grower or a shower? LOLA What does that mean? HERSHEL If you're a grower your penis may look small but it grows when erect, if you're a shower it is pretty much at erect size all the time even though you're soft. So what you see is what you get. I'm both; I'm pretty large while soft, and even larger when hard. Kim blushes. KYLE So I guess that makes Anthony a no show. Everyone laughs. ANTHONY Wrong! I have a ninja penis, it stays hidden until it's ready to strike. LOLA Strike what, your hands? KIM Now that's cold blooded. HERSHEL I was drunk and trying to finger a girl. After going at it for a while without hearing her say anything I screamed out, what the fuck is wrong with your cunt. Her response was that's not my cunt. I honestly don't remember what happened after that. ANTHONY How do you not have an STD. KYLE Or a crazy chick stalking you. HERSHEL Who says I don't? Kim's expression changes to shock. Hershel smiles at her. HERSHEL (CONT'D) I'm kidding, at least about the STD. Kim stands from the table. KIM Let's go somewhere else and talk. Hershel stands and follows Kim. ANTHONY Hey! What about us? What about me? Hershel stops and looks back at Anthony. HERSHEL I'll be around. KIM I won't. Honestly, I need a break. Maybe I'll see you guys again. Kim and Hershel leave together. KYLE I like that guy. Anthony turns toward Lola and Jonathan. ANTHONY Well I guess she isn't going on the cruse with us. LOLA Oh yeah, about that. Listen, with my new job and school and stuff we just can't make it. JONATHAN Sorry, it's just been crazy, but I figure we can hang out every six months or so. Anthony begins to panic. ANTHONY Wait, wait! You can't leave. What about the gang? What about sitting around talking about nothing? LOLA You still have Kyle. Kyle smiles. KYLE You still have me. Lola and Jonathan stand. LOLA Nothing lasts forever and besides, sometimes you need to mix things up or it get's old. JONATHAN Yeah, like anal sex. Something it's good to have it, you know, to mix things up. Lola gives Jonathan a stern look. LOLA I said no. ANTHONY You guys are killing me. What do you expect me to do? I can't sit hear just talking to Kyle all day. Lola and Jonathan start walking toward the exit. JONATHAN You always say what we do is like a television show. So hire some new cast members. LOLA Don't worry, we'll make some cameo's. JONATHAN See you in about sixteen weeks. Jonathan and Lola exit. Anthony stares at Kyle. ANTHONY New cast members? KYLE I like the idea. We can hold auditions. ANTHONY This is the end of an era. Kyle stands and walks over to Anthony putting his arm around him. KYLE Nah, not the end. Just the begining.