Dear Dish Network,

Hello. I am not a customer nor do I ever plan to be. Do you want to know why? It is not because your channel lineup sucks and you have less HD channels than local television, it is because of the event I am about to describe.

August 12^th – I was sitting down for my weekday dinner which consists of a quarter cup of white rice and two turkey sausages (I am poor and on a diet). My plan was to spend the rest of the night watching television falling asleep to the sweet, sweet sound of Keith Olbermann’s voice. Just as I was taking the first of many unsatisfying bites there was a loud pounding at my door. At first being an African-American, I believed the pounding was the police at my door, but then I realized they would not have bothered to knock.

Setting my bowl to the side I opened the door and a man began speaking to me in Spanish (I live in Miami Florida). I stare at him hoping to scare him away but it does not work. He then began speaking in horribly broken English asking me if I have satellite service. Now while it was getting dark my apartment has a small patio with bright lights shining on a very large dish. You would have to be blind and stupid not to see it. Again I stare at the man bewildered taking a moment to point my eyes towards the dish; he still did not get the hint.

I tell the man I have Direct TV, the best in satellite service, and was about to close the door when he asks am I happy. Am I happy? Let’s see, I am on a diet that sucks ass, I work out everyday just to lose half a pound a week, I have no girlfriend, and my career is going nowhere. So now on a Friday night when I should be out getting tail I am sitting home alone in my shoe box apartment eating bland food only to be interrupted by a man just off the banana-boat asking me if I am happy. I told the man I was very happy.

He proceeded to try to explain to me that he could offer me a better deal. Now maybe I would have listened but my awful food was getting cold plus the mosquitoes were getting in. I told the man I have a ten year contract with Direct TV and if I try to leave they will cut my balls off. I smiled and closed the door and immediately went crying to my bedroom.

About a week later I see my next door neighbor is having a satellite dish put in. I also see the same man installing it. This would not have been an issue except he was installing it on my patio fence. Now I could have complained but I like my neighbors to the extent that if someone was trying to kill me I would hope they would at least dial 911. Because of this I kept quiet and accepted the dish trespassing.

A few hours later I left for the weekend as a storm was coming and I am deathly afraid of rain and lighting. When I returned Monday I found that my satellite service was off. The receiver kept saying searching for a satellite signal. I went and looked at the dish and the wires and found nothing though I admit I wasn’t sure what to look for. Then I called Direct TV and they told me that due to the storm they could not get anyone to me until September 26^th. That was over a month later.

Needless to say I was livid. I yelled and screamed and cursed and then unmated the phone because the lady thought I hung up. I begged and pleaded and cried and in the end they told me to suck it up and take it. Now I was about to cancel because I can’t go a day without watching the liberal media and considered calling Dish Network, but then Direct TV offered me three free months of service and a free HDDVR. While deciding what to do I also found out you can watch Countdown on the MSNBC website. It was decided; I would tuff it out and wait until the end of the next month.

Fast forward to September 26^th, it was hard and boring but I was able to make it and now I was hours away from having my television back. So the Direct TV guy comes and he speaks great English and goes to work on installing my HDDVR. Then he comes in with a weird look on his face and what he asks me changed my life forever.

“Did you have a Dish Network guy come around here recently?”

The question didn’t make sense. Why would he ask that? I told him yes and asked him why. He smiled and motioned for me to follow him out the door. He then pointed out to me that the cable from my dish to my receiver was cut and it wasn’t an accident. It was high up on the fence and it was cut in a way that unless I physically pulled the wire I would not know it was cut. This was done by an evil, evil godless man who wanted nothing more than to destroy my life.

The Direct TV man told me that this happens sometimes. The Dish Network or Cable guys will come by and offer their services and if you turn them down sabotage your system. He told me to be on the lookout and gave me his personal number to call if it happened again. I would have kissed him if he didn’t look like he would punch me in the face if I did so. I shook his hand and thanked him and ran inside to my bedroom to cry.

Now I am sitting here writing this letter to you to say I hope you die in a fire and then continue burning in that fire once you reach hell. While I got to see my lovely Keith Olbermann on my computer there is no substitute to my 51 inch screen. I feel as if you took a month of my life away and I want it back. I am not sure what to ask for but I would accept the thumbs of the man who did this to me. What will I do if you don’t comply? Nothing, I am too much of a bitch to do anything but write letters during my lunch time at work. I just want you to know you have made a grown man cry…more often than I normally do. You have hurt me more than my prom date that ended up making out with the school janitor. I want you to know I signed a lifetime contract with Direct TV and will tell all my imaginary friends never to order from your company.

Lord Obama will smite you

Fictitiously yours,

J.A. Laraque

Our friend Zest kicked off the fifth season of his Radio show on Saturday Night. I know, we are late with the news again, but we thought better late than never, so here is the Zest TV video to promote their Radio Show.

Obviously when Zest gets a TV show will use his Radio Jingle video to promote it, that’s just how we roll.

Check them out at thier MySpace page for more information.

I think there is a severe shortage of baked beans. I can’t find any anywhere. I’ve tried all of the supermarkets on our road and they all seem to have run out. I asked if they had any “out back” - they didn’t or haven’t. They’re not sure when they are getting any in again either.

What has happened? This is worrying.

I carried out a search on the internet and one of the only things I could find was this article on hansom cabs This is odd as there are usually more pages than that when I press the buttons on my telly. There is a small cherry tree in my pie and I can’t find the frog, it’s run under the mangle…

I need the beans. I need the beans. As an honest consumer I need the beans and their tomatoey goodness…

The shortage may perhaps be to do with the lack of label ink. On products, tins and packets we now have helpful things such as GI index, vitamins, B14 plus retro, iron content, red/green/yellow ploprut, saturated fat, unsaturated fat, fat, flat, hatchback, hunchback and chlorine context/indices.

All I need to know is are they posh beans, cheap beans, or shitty beans? Just tell me! Tsk!

Did you know that these labels actually increase the weight of the bean tin, therefore making them heavier. Thus in bulk they are hence-on-forth more expensive to transport and less likely to survive in the wild.

So come on beanmakers, sort out the labelling. I need my beans and I need them now!

I’m not here to type this. You’re not there to read it. Nothing exists anymore. Literally nothing.

The Large Hadron Collider was fired up earlier this week. This wasn’t really that big a deal, but some barmy Americans decided that it was going to end the world. They took the owners and scientists responsible for the LHC to court, accusing them of growing black holes. Now, this was a bandwagon to jump on, apocalypse soon. Even the BBC went to have a look.

But hang on! We’re still here! Feel stupid now? Well, yeah.

Sadly for our pessimistic friends, the earth wasn’t shattered in billions of wonky particles. All that happened in fact, was that some men in white coats sent some really small things round a big thing looking for some things so small they might or might not even exist. Still with me? They’re looking for the Higgs-Boson, which is theoretically the missing particle that explains the universe. I think I used to play a Higgs-Boson in the school band.

Professor Stephen Hawking, physics genius and all round top skateboarder told us that all would be well. “These reactions,” he said Dalek-ly “take place all the time in the atmosphere. There is no need for concern.”

Well, thanks Stevie, me old wheelie-bin, but when a robotic voice tells the earth there’s nothing to fear, we should really start to panic.

Give it a couple of weeks, and it’ll all be forgotten about. Higgs-Bosons will be found in all modern homes. Hawking will be carried shoulder high (chair allowing) and hailed as a hero. Thing is, in a few weeks time they actually are going to make a black hole, or try to anyway. So, er, enjoy it while it lasts, eh?

A genetic penis enlargement pill is set to hit the market in the next few years. After the miracle blue pill that turned Bob Dole’s into Bill Clinton’s clinical tries are set to begin within a year to test a new product dealing with gene manipulation, one large wang for man, one giant ego boost for mankind.

Can you see the commercials now? Men of all ages and sizes with a cheese eating grin on their face talking about how they are able to please their counterparts in every position imaginable. With a boastful gain of seventy percent increased size to your manhood Karma Sutra books have been flying off the shelves since the announcement.

Men are not the only ones to rejoice. Women for so long have been torn between a kind a sensitive man with a good job and brains and the black-jack rod of power that so many women long for. Now you can give this pill to your man and presto they become John Holmes incarnate.

Not everyone is happy with this announcement. While as a black man this breakthrough in science does not concern me there have been rumblings within the black community over losing their stereotypical superiority. One member who asked to have his identify kept secret said the following.

“Black people have been labeled with many negative stereotypes, but there was one that made many of us proud and that was the size of our penis. That hooker from Full Metal Jacket said it best ‘beau coup’ I don’t know the direct translation, but it means big as hell. Do you know how many women I got based on the known fact that the brothers pack the meat? So now you are trying to tell me that any Tom, little Dick and Harry can pop a pill and compete with me? This is just another example of the man trying to keep us down.”

Regardless of some hurt feelings the product is going full steam ahead with the research and financial backing to insure this product will become a billion dollar commodity. The potential side effects have not yet been listed, but honestly who would turn down seventy percent more man-pole, only communists that’s who.

Q. So, who are you anyway?

We are The Upbeat Glass Smash! Or ThUGS for short.  Anonymity - I can’t decide if that’s good or not - works for Daft Punk doesn’t it?  …..Although they have names don’t they?  The Upbeat Glass Smash started firstly with the purchase of the popular ‘music series’ on the Playstation and getting seriously hooked on it. However, the lack of saving or broadcasting yourself hindered any real progress.  So, when I found a copy for my PC when I was a little bit older and wiser and the whole MySpace boom had kicked off with the Arctic Monkeys I found myself saying, I need some of that action!

The name came from a spell check I would always get at work: I used to work for a company with the initials TVHG and whenever I would send an e-mail, it suggested I replace it with Thug or Thugs for TVHG. Anyway, I had a vision of ‘THUG’ on a T-shirt being quite an amazingly marketable thing (never made one yet!) for the youth of today hence ‘The Upbeat Glass Smash’ (Possibly getting in after a night with a shoe sole covered in glass might also have had something to do with it).

Q. Describe your sound for us.

I first started playing about with catchy hooks and melodies without much of a real clue of what a chord or note was, or any sense of timing and rhythm.  I’ve slowly evolved from there - picking up a guitar or keyboard and really getting to grips with musical theory and hopefully trying to better myself with each song I make - otheIs there much point otherwise?

I am always willing to listen to feedback; a guy I work with suggested lots more drums and since then I’ve been into loud noisy stuff with more of a thumping beat.  I tend to go for an atmospheric sound, something you might hear in a nightclub and say, “Hey that was a bit different”.  Usually though, I try to go with what I think sounds right together.

I’d say it was big, atmospheric, a little bit chaotic but catchy and quite addictive.

Q. So you rate yourself then?

Not really - maybe that is a key to success, a little bit of arrogance.  I mean I was chuffed to bits when a mate sent me a text the other night after putting new songs on MySpace that simply said “12 Bars One Night Is….FUCKING BRILLIANT”.  That’ll do for me!!  I think I can create a fantastic sound and am probably limited by the tools I have.  I wonder what I could come up with on a serious bit of kit…..

Q. Who are your influences?

First and foremost when I started out, I would spend hours trying to recreate Daft Punk’s first album and get absolutely nowhere near.  Fatboy Slim, Air, Chemical Brothers; the mainstream dance acts of the mid 90s where my first influences.  Now though, anything I hear is an influence and I try to replicate the tracks I enjoy listening to.  To name a few; Brian Wilson (especially the Smile Album), the Who, AC/DC, Oasis and the Prodigy too.  On one of the newer tracks I recently came across a guy on Youtube who made a load of stuff on Music 2000 (as I do) and his tunes helped me with the Radio Sunlight song.  One thing which is at the front of my mind when I started trying to make something that sounds like The Who is what an incredibly good drummer Keith Moon was (you cannot replicate that style drumming on a computer!)

Q. Tell us one of your musical secrets.

I quite like reversing samples - Try telling that to your doctor!

Q. What’s in the future?

I’m currently having a little break from doing any stuff at the minute but have started a complete cover of the Who’s ‘Tommy’ Album in a dance style.  I’d love for someone to come along and say, “We love this, could we use it on an advert, could we use this in a film?”.  I also want to do some videos and get a load of stuff on Youtube.

Q. What’s your claim to fame?

I was reviewed by a local paper’s music writer. Wow eh?!  He said my stuff was incredible, epic stuff.

Q. Musically, where do you see yourself in 10 years time?

I would like to be still making music in ten years time. I have written pages and pages of lyrics with tunes in my head but  - can I heck as like translate that into real living music.  That’s the next step - A rock opera of my own would be good, in fact the words are written!  Being able to perform live is where it’s at - look at Oasis - there is not one of their songs you can’t listen to for free on the Internet.  So how do they make their money?  180,000 tickets in one hour is how.  Being the best live band in the country is where it’s at.

Q. Myspace or Facebook?

Myspace for music. Facebook for poking - When I tried to add The Upbeat Glass Smash as a page on Facebook with a few tracks but to add any music you have to send them a copy of your passport!! Sod that!!

If you make music and you’d like to answer some questions, just drop us a line at email@obscureinternet.com!

Here is an old classic, resurrected in the name of progress.

GASP at the improved EQ of the guitars!
REEL IN AWE at the slightly increased tempo!
STAND AGHAST at the better overall mix!
WILT at the better played bassline!
FURROW YOUR BROW at the missing chuggas at the beginning of each chorus!

New equipment calls for redoing old songs, I have a new recording device so I re-recorded one of faves, Lately. I doubt many of you will be able to tell the difference. This is due to apathy rather than any lack of ability on your part, I hasten to add.

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The presidential race can now be summarized like this: Barack Obama is the teenaged rocker jamming to some tune in his apartment and John McCain is the old man who lives below him pounding his cane against the ceiling screaming ‘Turn that damned music down.’

One would think the McCain campaign would be trying everything it could to keep the focus off of the world-wide positive reception that Obama has received, but nope, they decided to release a campaign ad comparing Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

The idea was to say that even though Obama can have two hundred thousand people cheering for him and waving American flags in Germany, he is not ready to lead. On the other hand, McCain would lead us across borders that are non-existent, countries that are no longer countries or to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Obama’s response was to challenge him to a duel citing possible linage to Wild Bill Hickock and saying he has a ‘quick draw.’ Rap artist and celebrity Ludacris had this to say:

You never should’ve doubted him
With a slot in the president’s iPod Obama shattered ‘em
Said I handled his biz and I’m one of his favorite rappers
Well give Luda a special pardon if I’m ever in the slammer
Better yet put him in office, make me your vice president
Hillary hated on you, so that bitch is irrelevant

Unfortunately his response has only made things worse. Most Americans are not falling for the attack ad. The common thought is until Obama is seen around the campaign trail with a Chihuahua, has a night-vision sex-tape released, runs over a photographer’s foot and is caught without underwear, he is not in the same category as those two.

Response from the two celebrities featured in the ad came pretty quickly after its release. A rep for Miss Hilton said, “Miss Hilton was not asked, nor did she give permission for the use of her likeness in the ad and has no further comment.” The dirt is that her billionaire daddy and renown McCain contributor was pissed about the ad. We would have brought you a response from Miss Hilton herself, but she was too busy trying to sell us something.

As for the Spears people, their response pretty much conveyed how most of us felt. Their statement was, “Why would we want to get Britney Spears involved in presidential politics?” I agree that would be like asking a bunch of random people with no talent to audition on television to become America’s next pop icon. I mean, who would want that? K-Fed had a comment on the subject as well, but honestly, we just did not care what he had to say.
If you must, you can see the video below.

Hello. My name is Austin and these are my tips for everyday life. These tips are about Surviving the new life my previous tips have invented for you

If you’ve read my previous tips then there is a very real possibility that you are doing fine in school, getting with all the ladies, and having no problems waking up in the morning. This can be a hard life, I know, I live it every day. These tips should help you manage your Austin-like life like Austin does.
First, remember who you are. You aren’t just some random chump of the street. You are a lady killing, beer chugging badass from Texas (maybe). Yeah it’s hard going for six hours every night but everything is bigger in Texas (maybe) you know! Don’t ever let anyone doubt your abilities and if they do, prove them wrong.

Second, remember why you do what you do. Obviously the drinking and sexing is great but you don’t just do it because you can. I mean, you shouldn’t just do it because you can. You do it because of you are Austin’s gift to women and the world. Each time you crawl into bed with a woman you hardly know you are tipping your hat to Austin. When you pound, you make him proud, remember that.

Third, Don’t hesitate to take the day off. Honestly it is hard being so awesome. At least you aren’t asked to sign autographs (yet). Once that happens a day off is mandatory cause man does that hurt your wrist. And man is your wrist important… for like.. everything. Anyways, back on topic.

Fourth, always eat right. Now what I mean by right can be taken any way you want. I consider a dark lager and some peanuts to be right. You might include a steak and eggs. Under no circumstance should you eat more vegetables then meat or beer. Meet and beer are your power source and vegetables are your kryptonite, balance them.

Fifthly, and lastly, don’t forget where you got your new powers from. It isn’t easy being me but it is even harder being now that there are other me’s out there trying to be me better than I can be me. So if you see me out of the street being me then please take it on yourself to stop being me for just one day.